stimulate your package

Protected sex at least five times a week will stimulate the economy. People will get exercise. Optimism will be restored. Ben Bernanke needs to get laid at least six times a week. CEOs and investors need to fuck eight times a week. People who are laid off from their jobs should have wild sex all day with other people who have been laid off from their jobs. People will buy condoms, they will buy lubricants, they will order Chinese take-out. They will patronize independently-owned corner stores everywhere.

http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2311.html

bumper sticker

they all have a bumper sticker that they use for a blanket. it is clever for one minute. they pull it over themselves, up to their chins. some of them are mice, some of them are roaches, and some of them are pigeons. they all look the same when they are under their bumper sticker.

when they are not under their bumper sticker, they wear pirate suits. they say “arrrr!” they squint at other animals. they are all running around on an island in the middle of the lake in laurelhurst park. the geese make a circle around them and try to peck off their heads. the mice and roaches and pigeons jab their hooks at the geese’s eyes and try to distract them with their striped clothing. the geese get out guns and shoot them.

the geese eat them all up, except for their feet. the geese make necklaces out of their feet and talk about how stupid the bumper stickers are.

i feel like…

a wet tennis shoe

a crepe myrtle

a fume

a ghost that isn’t scary

a velour sweatsuit

a bowl of pudding

a crooked lampshade

an animal with the head of an owl and the body of a rhinoceros

a smoker’s cough

a sagging bookshelf

a chocolate covered ant

a lottery ticket

a funny bone

a flying saucer

a cloud shaped like a hot dog

losingit

Just saw a craigslist ad for a job as a “children’s photographer” and misread it as “children’s pornographer.”

Started reading Raymond Carver’s “Where I’m Calling From.” So far… fishing, boners, kids being the little shits they really are, and married people who hate each other. So! Uplifting!

The cats are all lazy (sonsof)bitches. They are no help at all.

I feel like all the furniture is leaning INTO the room, and someone will find me in a few days under the bookcase. It’s IKEA though; I’d probably be OK.

Looked at all my old photographs. I think I’m a serial girlfriend. And why do I always take these idiots on trips with me?

the desert

The sun here beats down on you, and the mountains have shadows that look like fingers crawling out of them. Everything seems to be below you, except for they sky. We all go to bed early, and we’ve been eating alot. I have been walking in the morning up and down the hills on the gravel road. The cats are all in the garage, and they each have their own hiding place. When they see each other their eyes get wide, and they begin to hiss. One of the cats stalks the other ones, his back swaying and his tail twitching.

Like the cats, all of us are wary of each other, except when we have been drinking. We all rush forward to wash the dishes and are always asking ‘what do you need?’. We ask polite questions like ‘is that the cousin who moved from arizona?’ and ‘which type of hummingbird? the female ruby throat?’. G. barely talks at all. I talk and talk and talk to fill up all that sky, all that empty space above us.

I smear on lip balm and huge palmfuls of lotion. I only wear makeup if we go into town. I let the wind dry my hair, and I bought a turquoise ring at the Saturday market. I bought it from a woman with tables of looped clusters of turquoise beads and chakra bowls, and long strings of dried chilies.

I am supposed to be in the rain; I am supposed to be under gray skies with green leaves and tall trees everywhere and a river. I am not unhappy; I am just tired of trying to earn the space I am occupying.

Mon Oncle

Mon Oncle said, “You’ve been over there, haven’t you?” I said, “Yes, I have been to Europe four times.” We don’t know each other. He wrote me an email about Dr. Bronner’s soap, and I never answered it. This, to Mon Oncle, was a “faux pas.” Whenever I hear the word “faux pas” I think of a cat or a dog with a prosthetic foot. Mon Oncle has a “best friend” with the name of one of the Apostles. The Apostle lives across the street from Mon Oncle. They vacation together on the coast of Alabama. They eat dinner, borrow each other’s cars, and buy plants for their yard together. Mon Oncle was the member of a Secret Fraternity at one of the premier southern universities and never married. My mother says he never married because he is too independent. Now Mon Oncle sings in the Episcopal choir and volunteers at the local theatre. Sometimes I think Mon Oncle wishes he could tell us about the Apostle, but my parents are Baptist. He probably thinks I am a Baptist too. My father made the whole family boycott Disney. My father is appalled by the idea of San Francisco and “wearing flowers in your hair” or “bandanas in your pocket.” My mother thinks he had a “bad experience” when he was in the army. Mon Oncle will never leave Mississippi. He will live across the street from the Apostle and they will garden together forever.

lunchtime casualties

1. cheese on sandwich and cream in coffee: suffering of cows on diary farms in pens that are barely big enough for them to move around in. alot of them probably get injected with things to make them produce more milk

2. chicken panini: caused chickens in tiny coops on trucks to travel thousands of miles to be slaughtered. most of them are injected with lots of things too.

3. gas in car: people are dying and fighting and starting wars over oil, and animals die from oil spills all the time. pollution of air by emissions from car.

4. paper plate and napkin: trees that are cut down and not replanted. erosion of the soil caused by trees not replanted. pollution of rivers by paper plants and other manufacturing plants that dump into rivers. animals and fish die from river pollution. There is a shortage of water because of river pollution.

5. clothes i have on: people (probably some children) work in sweatshops for too many hours for not enough pay and still cannot afford to feed their families.

I want to stop causing “suffering.” To not cause “suffering” I will become a hermit and grow all my food in a garden and make my own clothes and not have electricity and not ever leave unless on a bike or horse or a pogo stick or a skateboard and not let anyone visit me unless they are on a bike or a horse or a pogo stick or a skateboard.

Maybe you will say, “Every little bit helps.” But that is sad because I wish I could, at the very least, hardly ever cause anything bad to happen to a person or an animal, especially indirectly and without even noticing.

stuck

I am having trouble making myself do the smallest task even though there isn’t anything I’d rather be doing. Instead I spend the whole time worrying about the fact that I’m not doing the thing I need to do and am not “productive.” When my cats are sitting on my lap I don’t want to get up to do things because I feel bad that they have to get up, and I am afraid they will feel rejected. I also feel anxious about packing up my things because then I have to think about moving away which makes me even more anxious because I am not packing the things and will not be ready when I have to move away. I get nervous about hanging out with my friends because I think they are tired of asking me “how is the move coming?” and it is hard to get beyond talking about anything else because I think maybe they think “what is the point, really?”

your favorite sister

your favorite sister has a baby in her stomach

she lives in mississippi in a double-wide trailer

she says that barack obama is a muslim and she won’t never vote for him

your favorite sister made you a birthday cake and she gave you the spoon to lick

your favorite sister looks at you and doesn’t know what to say

your favorite grandmother

your favorite grandmother is in a wheelchair

she is hunched over a bowl of chocolate pudding with pudding on her teeth and chin

she smiles

her mouth is open with brown teeth and one hand stretched out

it is shaking a little and the fingers have knots on them

the nurse hoists up your favorite grandmother’s breasts to fasten the velcro safety belt

your favorite grandmother yawns out of the right side of her mouth and falls asleep