your favorite grandmother is in a wheelchair
she is hunched over a bowl of chocolate pudding with pudding on her teeth and chin
she smiles
her mouth is open with brown teeth and one hand stretched out
it is shaking a little and the fingers have knots on them
the nurse hoists up your favorite grandmother’s breasts to fasten the velcro safety belt
your favorite grandmother yawns out of the right side of her mouth and falls asleep
The walrus is sharpening his tusk with a nail file. The tooth-dust is blowing into peoples’ eyes as they stand in line for hotdogs and nachos. His girlfriend whispers that he is making them angry. The gelatinous walrus is at his college’s basketball game. He is critical of everyone. Most of the people in line are obese. Most of them have a very poor sense of fashion. They are all sloppy eaters with mustard stains on the fronts of their college sweatshirts.
The walrus’ friends are late. They are always late. He continues to be their friend because they are not obese, do not have a poor sense of fashion, and are reasonably polite when eating. They also do not employ the local vernacular and have slightly better-than-average taste in music and film. They are not members of Greek organizations and have admirable hobbies such as photography, graphic design, and film-making.
The walrus feels slightly superior to them, even though his only hobbies are bartending and maintaining superior dental hygiene. The gelatinous walrus buys economy-size boxes of teeth-whitening strips and attaches them to his tusks. He is careful to overlap each strip to ensure total coverage.
The gelatinous walrus buys some popcorn. His friends arrive. They all hug each other, and the gelatinous walrus makes a comment about the first half being almost over. While watching the game, his girlfriend is yelling at the referee. The gelatinous walrus is embarrassed. His girlfriend says “Call a travel, call a foul.” She does not make any sense.
They all leave the game, and one of the walrus’ friends corrects him about something. This friend has been correcting several of the things he has said that night. He has also corrected the walrus’ girlfriend several times that night. The gelatinous walrus wants to impale the friend with his tusk. He puts his whiskers in his mouth. They taste salty.
The walrus and his girlfriend leave the basketball game and drive back to the walrus’ apartment. He tries to kiss his girlfriend, but she gets in her car and drives back to her apartment. The gelatinous walrus puts on his teeth-whitening strips and lies down on his bed and thinks “Curacao, Cointreau, Midori, Murtado, Amoretto, Drambuie, Orangerie, Creme de menthe…”
In Portland I drank alot of coffee and tea. I watched people and thought about them and wondered what they thought about me. I called people from craigslist about apartments. I was awkward on the phone and had trouble knowing when to pause and when to speak. The people and I would blurt out sentences at the same time, and I think it was my fault. I think I talked more slowly than the people, and they would think I was finished with what I was saying.
I was also nervous and felt like I was an Imposter. I feel like that alot when I am in situations where I must act like a Responsible Adult. I have a friend who changes his voice when he is in situations where he must act like a Responsible Adult. It gets lower, and he pushes his words together, and the sound comes from the back of his throat.
I am also a Liar. I am telling all the people on the phone that I have 2 cats. I have 4 cats. I don’t think I will get away with it. I feel guilty. I think that no one from craigslist will rent an apartment to a girl with 4 cats from Alabama. I think I am “right.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wieland_(novel)
I read Wieland by Charles Brockden Brown. I think that spontaneous combustion can happen, despite the scientific “fact” that humans are made mostly of water. I have read articles that say that spontaneous human combustion has been attributed to the tissues of the body being saturated with alcohol and ignited by static electricity!
I wonder if spontaneous combustion can be triggered by the chemical synapses of the brain during periods of intense anxiety if the body tissues are saturated with alcohol?
At California Pizza Kitchen I saw Beth Holloway Twitty.
She looked like hell.
She looked like birds were roosting in her hair.
On New Year’s Eve I saw Gennifer Flowers.
She was singing at a jazz club.
She was draped all over the piano.
At the Yazoo County Fair I saw a girl in a teddy bear t-shirt.
She was leaning over next to the tilt-a-whirl.
She was vomiting into a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket.
